Can't Weight Anymore

 I once read in an article on photography that the beauty of a photograph is that it captures a moment that is gone forever and impossible to recreate.

There are two pictures that captured moments in my life, moments that both amazed and embarrassed me because of the way I looked and felt. Both were taken at weddings, joyous occasions where no one can escape the lens of a camera, that piece of glass that somehow changes the way you think you look. After seeing the first picture I convinced myself it had to be the angle the shot was taken or the way I was seated, there was no way I looked like that.

But the disturbing truth was revealed after the 2^nd wedding when the happy couple sent a picture with someone who looked eerily like the person at the 1^st wedding. I could no longer deny the truth or blame it on a camera lens that had some sort of personal vendetta against me. Despite the way I felt physically, the inability to walk a flight of stairs or not being able to stand for more than a minute, I was denying the fact that I was morbidly obese for too long. Two moments in what was left of my life had been captured, moments that would change my life.

The list of diets I have tried range from South Beach to bananas, Atkins to cabbage and of course who doesn’t believe Marie Osmond or Dan Marino when they talk about how the Nutri System diet will shed pounds and inches. I celebrated success at losing weight only to see the pounds return like an unwanted friend who brought more friends. I reached weights that would be the envy of an NFL linemen , but were quickly shortening my life.

As my weight grew, my family did as well with 5 grandchildren. I wanted nothing more than to do the fun things grandfathers are supposed to do. So instead of spoiling them, which is the first rule of grand-parenting, I was cheating them, my own children and myself of the happiness that we all deserved.

I knew about bariatric bypass surgery and I know people that are enjoying the benefits of large amounts of weight loss by having their stomach reduced. I always thought how great for them and they look great, but I have a stubborn side that says if I work at something hard enough, I will reap the benefits. I just needed put forth the effort needed to help extend my life.

But I was fighting another battle, one against the time I have left in this precious life because, as the pounds were adding up, I felt like my remaining days were dwindling.  So I started doing some research and asked my trusted friend and Doctor if having this surgery was an option. I thought I knew what his answer would be since our beliefs in hard work paying off were the same. However, he shocked me and said enthusiastically that I should seriously consider the surgery as an option. It was as if I was waiting for him to tell me and he was waiting for me to ask. Now all I needed to do was convince myself that I couldn’t wait any longer without serious, if not deadly consequences to my life.

 I attended an Ohio Health Surgical Weight Management Seminar and after hearing Dr. Sonnenstine explain the benefits of weight loss by surgery I was more than convinced this is what I needed to do if I no longer wanted to live the life I was living.

After being accepted into the program based on BMI, being a-symptomatic with atrial Fibrillation, high blood pressure and sleep apnea I did not hesitate telling people I was beginning the process. It was my way of celebrating the choice I had made and I also knew by telling others, they would hold me accountable.

I chose the Gastric Bypass surgery called Roux-en-Y based on the recommendations of the surgical staff. My thought was if I’m having this done, I want the surgery with the greatest chance of success.  The decision seemed obvious and simple and I began the process that would eventually lead to my surgery date.

But what happened next would dash any hopes I had to extend my life through surgery.

Because of the weight being distributed to my feet, the tendons in my right foot gave up and ruptured. This would require surgery, 6 weeks of non-weight bearing on the foot and 3-months before I could even consider returning to some normalcy in my life. So I was faced with the decision as to which surgery should come first?  I consulted with friends and Doctors and it quickly became quite clear, the foot surgery was needed and had to come first and the bariatric bypass would-be put-on hold. The 3 months passed, and physical therapy had begun, and I once again was excited  to work towards a date for the surgery I wanted.

Now I’m a believer that things happen for a reason, but sometimes an explanation as to the reason for the reason is only fair. In this case, another surgery on my foot was needed because it was not healing properly. But this time I was prepared to deal with the three-month recovery.  I had mastered the knee scooter and if it fit into a car, I was mobile enough to get to where I needed to go.

Each month, I scootered to my required meetings with psychiatrists and dieticians thinking this was only a formality in the process of solving my weight problem. I’m sure I was like most people and despite my physical appearance, I knew what I should eat, what foods to avoid and what foods contained the protein I needed. I just chose to eat the foods that made me happy.

 I treated the meetings with the dietitian as an insurance mandated, bureaucratic impediment meant to help insurance companies save money. Make the patient go to enough insignificant meetings and the patient will eventually give up and leave the program. I could not have been more wrong.

These well trained and educated people know more about food and eating habits than I can ever hope to learn. But more importantly they know people. They know people who think they can just go through the motions to get to the surgery. The Dietitian is the gate keeper to a healthy future, they hold the coveted key to improved health and well-being.  So, it’s best to give them the time, effort and attention they so well deserve.

I discovered this the day I showed up with no water, vague information on my green diary sheets and struggled to give answers to their questions simply because I don’t know everything. By the end of the meeting my Dietitian laid it out for me, “I don’t think you are ready for surgery.”

I was using my foot, my job and my lifestyle as excuses instead of taking advantage of the valuable information these people were trying to teach me. Her comment was the wakeup call I needed. What I learned that day was there are no short cuts, no easy road to surgery and the surgery is just one part of an overall plan to make you a better, healthier and happier person. What I did next would be the turning point in how I approached this life saving opportunity I was being provided.

I was travelling for my job, sitting in a hotel room and the words of my Dietician could not be erased. That’s when it hit me, I had never taken the time to consider why I really wanted to have this procedure other than to lose weight. What are the personal reasons, why can’t I do this on my own, how is this going to change my life and am I ready for those changes?  Over the next couple of hours, I made a list of the reasons I wanted the surgery, not why Doctors thought it was a good idea, not because others were benefiting from it and not because my friends and family were excited for me. I needed to understand why I was choosing to change the way I have lived and the choices I had been making for over 60 years.

That day and that list may be the one thing that saved my life. It became personal, it became my mantra, it became my own Declaration of Independence from being unhealthy and grossly overweight. I shared it with my Dietitian at my next meeting along with a new respect for them and she looked at me, smiled and said “you get it now.”

Following that meeting I began making the changes needed to be prepared for what my life would be like after surgery. Not long after that I received the much-anticipated phone call from the office of my surgeon, Dr. Sonnenstine with the coveted date for surgery. I had succeeded in achieving what I set out to reach for, a much-needed change in my life. The tears flowed as the emotion of it all consumed me. I earned a new chance at a new life for me and my family. Instead of hoping to continue my life each year, I could begin to plan for a full life for years to come.

So, there I am, scrubbed, gowned and IV inserted, ready to go when the Anesthesiologist comes in to listen to my airways. It wasn’t long, maybe seconds before he tore his stethoscope from his ears as if he had heard a bomb go off and asks, “How long has that been going on?”

 What started as a tickle in my throat about 10 days earlier was now full-fledged bronchitis and I had the cough to prove it. I thought, with all of the medical advances over the years, there had to be a way to sooth my constant cough long enough to have the surgery. I had my theme song picked, “Best Day Of My Life.” Everyone knew today was my day. My post surgery liquid diet was prepared and in the refrigerator. They can’t possibly deny me this one more time.

The day was December 11^th, it was 7:05am and yes they have the power to say not today. My first thought was, this is not meant to be. Three obstacles, three strikes, no surgery. Once again tears flowed but for a different reason. I felt defeated and alone despite the efforts of a very close friend who volunteered to be with me as I was prepped for the day. This was not what she signed up for. As I was dressing to make the walk of shame out of the surgery prep area because no one walks out of there on their own, the Doctor walked back in and said “we will get this re-scheduled before the end of the year, whatever it takes, just get rid of that cough!” Then later that day an early gift arrived when, Dr. Sonnenstine’s office called and said how does December 31^st work for you? HAPPY NEW YEAR!! And guess what insurance company, my deductible has been met!!

So instead of liquid foods for the holidays, I was able to partake of the usual holiday spreads but didn’t really enjoy it. At this point I was scared when I went to sleep and grateful when I woke up. I really wondered if my body would make it to December 31^st. It was tired physically and mentally and one more setback would be more than we could handle. Thanks to medications, the cough did go away and at 4am on December 31^st, I did wake up. By the time everyone else was toasting the old year out and the New Year in I was beginning a new chapter in my life that has resulted in changes that I never dreamed possible.

       

But these pictures only tell one part of the story.  As of the day I write this I am 7 months post-op and I have lost nearly one-third of my body weight, I walk at least a mile a day in about 20 minutes, I swim a quarter mile in about the same time. Exercise, thanks to the Step It Up program that is offered through Weight Management is not a chore but something I look forward to.  I’m told I don’t snore and stop breathing when I sleep and I can play golf again. My mind seems stronger and I have discovered a newfound confidence in myself. I even went snow tubing with my Grandkids 10 weeks after surgery and I can walk and talk at the same time.

It seems each week I discover something new about my body and my life. I have had people not recognize me, my wardrobe has expanded beyond loose fitting clothes and elastic waist bands and I have dropped in size about every 2 months. I have discovered the outcast clothing of others that fill the racks of thrift stores, can fill my closet and drawers with temporary affordable clothing.

I have also found that I don’t like food. Eating is no longer enjoyable, but a punishment as you learn how to eat all over again. It’s ironic that right after surgery I was eating what looked like baby food and I was using spoons with Mickey Mouse on the ends, the same spoons I used to feed my kids when they learned to eat.

We form habits when we eat and the habits of my food loving past were coming back to haunt me. I struggle when plating with portion control or ordering in a restaurant. After filling my plate or over ordering, I barely make a dent in the foods I have chosen, even when I make the correct choices, much of my food is wasted. And once again I am a dietitian's worst nightmare. They have the answers, they want you to succeed and they want you to enjoy eating in a different way. The one thing that they cannot do, is do it for you, that’s up to you.

And by the way dumping syndrome is the real thing…nuff said!!

My next challenge to deal with is what happens when the euphoria of the surgery ends, when people stop complimenting me on my success and new look, and when food becomes a little easier to consume. I only hope the me of old is a distant past and I can cope with the challenges that await me.

What I do know is I am not alone.

From Dieticians to Psychiatrists, from Surgeons to Physiologists, from education and support groups to lifelong assistance, the Riverside Weight Management Program has everything one needs to succeed at weight loss and improving your life. If for some reason you don’t experience any of the success I have enjoyed, you must first look at yourself and ask did I do all that was asked of me. Did I listen and live the life they planned for me and if you can say yes to some part of that you will succeed. Those pictures from the weddings captured moments that are gone forever and thanks to this program I believe the person in those pictures is gone forever and I will continue to create a new and better life for this new me.

  Matt McCandlish